A Heart Full of Love

February 13, 2022

Good morning my friends.  I hope you’re doing well today.  I have to admit, it’s been a difficult week for me (and my family).  Tomorrow is Valentine’s Day.  I have serious doubts it’ll stir up much joy this year.  I’ve had mixed feelings, in general, about this “holiday” or many years.  The day typically has the potential to be filled with lots of fun and love.  This is especially true when you have someone special to share it with.  It can also be a total drag if you allow it to control your thoughts (with or without a partner).  I don’t dislike the day, even if I’m not sharing it with a love mate.  It’s just another day that I’m happy to be alive, living life on this earth.  Our time on this planet is a gift and limited time offer.  If you have a partner, let them know how you enjoy and cherish them; including life together.  If you don’t have a special Valentine, share your happiness and love with family and friends.  I’m always here if you need me too.  The day reminds me of a couple old sayings that seem appropriate for the occasion.  “You can’t see the forest because of all the trees” or “you don’t recognize when you have something special standing right in front of you.”  You may be asking yourself how do these two sentences fit this romantic holiday.  For me, or for those who have lost love, you may understand or relate to my emotions on the subject.  My Valentine pleasure over the years has consisted of sending tokens of my love and appreciation to my daughter, sister and special people in my life.  My gifts this year consisted of chocolate and homemade granola.  Sending you all Happy Valentine’s Day wishes!

When I think of Valentine’s Day, I think of love.  I’ve been in love a couple times in my life.  I’m not referring to the love that I have for my daughter or family.  I’m referring to the intimate and passionate love shared with a special partner.  As I look back on my relationships, I realize how my daily interactions and attitude helped love flourish or sometimes simply diminished its luster.  I’ve spent the bulk of my life trying to please others, while shielding my emotions.  My defense of not opening my heart to allow others in or see the “real me” was often done unconsciously.  The fear of rejection was real and limited my ability to relax or actually enjoy my life.  Unfortunately, it took a failed relationship for me to discover what drove my obsession to control life and love.  There have been times in relationships, where my focus was not to hurt or get hurt.  This process ultimately hurt us both.  My past had a way of creeping into my mind to control my emotions and actions.  The perfectionist attitude I tried to escape somehow took over, making me do the worst, instead of just being me.  Negative thoughts controlled my mind, destroyed my relationships and rarely allowed my heart to open, to expose my true feelings and emotions.  My excitement intensified and anxiety level soared when I met an incredible woman and begin a new relationship.  I knew she was special and different than any other woman.  This is when I should have been relaxed and enjoying every moment of life together.  I just wanted to be me and not controlled by past insignificant childhood or relationships memories. 

This very special woman changed my perspective, life and love.  I wish it would have been easier for me to share my thoughts and shown you my true self all the time.  She saw glimpses of “me” before I’d fade to the background.  Unfortunately, the fears in my mind sometimes paralyzed me from responding or communicating my feelings, emotions and love.  This may sound silly to someone who is open and not afraid to share their inner most feelings.  My fear to share, so I wouldn’t scare her away, eventually was the reason she left.  It’s crazy how fear can be overpowering at times.  It had nothing to do with her or us, but were shadows from my past.  Now that I’ve done my own “shadow work” I understand myself better and why I’ve been like this for so long.  It made me realize that even in our tough times, I felt better with her than I have my entire life.  Her love, support and closeness made me feel safe and secure.  I wish I could have opened myself to love and not allowed her to slip away.  Events of my past and ego driven stubbornness created grief within me.  It’s taken me years to decipher myself.  I never really gave it much thought, as to how I acted or reacted in relationships.  The loss of our connection forced me to take a deeper look in me.  I discovered a man (me), controlled by the past, who struggled to please his mom, but was never able to receive her approval or satisfaction.  The lack of gratification turned me into a perfectionist.  My attempts to make everything perfect never turned out the way I expected or wanted.  Those attempts made me try harder, doing all I could to earn the praise I thought was important.  Translating my actions into relationships meant I put all my effort into making them perfect.  When I was with the woman of my dreams, I became like that boy trying my best to be perfect.  She just wanted me to be myself, not perfect or a super hero.  I was trying to give her the moon and stars, when all she really wanted was me.

I’ve learned over the years that I can’t control the thoughts, perceptions, feelings, emotions or responses of others.  I don’t worry about the weather, politics or things beyond my control.  The experiences, events and trauma from my past can manipulate me only if I allow it.  I now understand my negative responses and what caused them.  I work to eliminate these issues from my life, not allowing them to alter my present or future.  I don’t want past events to control or cause fear within me.  Living in the past is not where I am or ever want to be again.  Now (the present), is the time for me to shine and continue moving forward.  I’ve learned from my past, understanding myself better, while leaving those old fears behind where they belong.  I’m transitioning into brighter future.  I continue to trust God and the universe, knowing my beautiful plan awaits.  It’s a blessing to discover the “how’s” and “whys” of me.  The journey hasn’t always been easy or pleasant, but the end result is allowing me to learn and grow.  My personality, appearance or who I am, haven’t changed.  My insight into relationships and love are open and fresh.  Love isn’t always easy, because we often allow our past to interfere with our present.  When two individuals can stand before one another and truly live in the present, friendship develops and love flourish’s.  I want to show you every day how much having you in my life means to me.  Telling you, “I love you” is wonderful, but turning my words into actions has much more meaning and significance.  I’ve grown to love myself more and be at ease with who I am.  I’m not fearful to live my life.  I know how much more fun and exciting life is when it’s shared with a fabulous love.  For now, I’m just me; open, free and loving life with a heart full of love.  Follow your dreams.  They know the way.

Please tune in and join me again next Sunday for more!  The puzzle of life is always changing.  Change can lead to amazing opportunities.  Together let’s be healthy and strong mentally, physically and spiritually!

Thanks for your love and support!  Embrace Life!  Be sure to get outside and enjoy nature!

Published by lapd22695

My goal is to be a better me. I want people to be more aware about mental and physical health. We are all humans living on this planet. Let's enjoy our lives, happy and healthy. It's okay to smile and help others along the way.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: